Enter the friend zone

The “friend zone”. The infamous place where romance goes to die. In a heteronormative world, are there different reasons why a woman would friendzone a man, versus a man friendzoning a woman?

Taneen: I think men have been wrongfully informed that if they don’t immediately make a woman develop a sexual connection, then she never will.

Aria: I definitely was informed of it being that way, and I think a lot of women whom I’ve interacted with would expect that if a man doesn’t make advances early on, they’re not interested, or too nice, and therefore not sexually interesting (virile) enough.

Taneen: I develop romantic feelings for my friends all the time, and I get defensive when a first interaction is sexual. I hate it when guys come up to me at clubs and their opening line is “what ethnicity are you?” I’d like to send a memo to all men and say, “ (1) You don’t need to open up with a question. When you approach a woman you don’t know in a public place, why would you be surprised she becomes defensive when you approach her with a question? (2) Don’t approach her in a way when you’re indicating to her that what you notice about her is her body. Asking things like ‘what’s your ethnicity?’ makes it obvious that you’re just focused on my body.” I appreciate it when guys would let me make the first move. I wish we could change it to a world where women are making the first move.

Aria: I love that world that you’re trying to create.

Taneen: Men who make it known to me that they’re interested with a look, without approaching--I really appreciate that.

Aria: There’s that dating app that lets women make the first move…

Taneen: What is it?

Aria: Bumble. It was made by one of the co-founders of Tinder. You should try it out. Let me know what you find.

Taneen: I find dating interesting. I just wish I didn’t have to feel so threatened all the time.

Aria: I like a world where women can make the first move. There’s less pressure, less rejection.

Taneen: Men are more violent than women; more predatorial. For us to accept that it’s the man that has to make the first move makes it complicated for me because I don’t know if I should feel unsafe when a man approaches me.

How do people signal the friend zone?

Taneen: I don’t let them take it to a sexual place. My instinct is to be platonic with everyone. I’m much more comfortable building a romantic relationship from a friendship. I feel threatened and defensive when someone immediately sexualizes me, and then they make me feel like a bitch for friendzoning them.

Aria: Sometimes, I have to be explicit, and just say that I value friendship more than whatever benefit could come from crossing a line. I’ve also talked about other people I’m romantically interested in right in front of that person. That usually does the trick.

What does it feel like to be friendzoned?

Aria: Being friendzoned can be really disappointing, but it doesn’t mean the end of a connection with someone.

Taneen: It doesn’t happen to me often.